Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Beckham Luke...a Birth Story

This post has been a long time coming, to be honest I debated even writing it.  I know that sharing my experience will never compare to the emotions I truly felt the day he was born, but I plan on printing out all my blog posts and scrapbooking them, so maybe when I go back and read it ill be reminded of what a miracle he is, and always will be. On September 27, 2012 our precious Beckham Luke was born at 4:00am 2 lbs 9 oz and 15 inches long. It still seems like just yesterday I was sitting next to his incubator wondering if I should say my goodbyes.

To say his birth was scary, would be the understatement of the century. I was 27 weeks pregnant (the same week Cayman was born), I still had no idea whether I was having a boy or girl, and it seemed like my pregnancy was flying by. We had just gotten approved for our new house, and we were very excited to live in UTAH again! I couldn't imagine being more full of love, grateful, and in love with my little growing family. I was in love with my baby bump and with this little baby growing inside me. My pregnancy was going perfect, and my OB was watching me very closely. I had no doubt that I would make it to full term this time around. Life was perfect!

Skyler was on his way home from extended season for Vivint and had stopped in Minnesota, meanwhile Cayman and I were staying at my moms house in Layton until he got back. It was September 27th 2012 , 27 weeks 3 days pregnant, and that day I felt a little "off." Cayman was all over the place that day, but this time I just couldn't keep up with him. It hurt to hold him and I felt exhausted. Long story short, I went to dinner with my sister, started feeling contractions and realized they were getting closer together. She took me to labor and delivery and I thought, "oh its fine, they'll just give me some medicine to make the labor stop, and ill just have to be on bed rest like last time." To my surprise I was dilated to 7 and the sac was bulging. When she checked to see if I was dilating, it must have caused me to dilate more, because after that my contractions were right on top of each other. I was in transition and my entire body started shaking. Oh THE PAIN, holy cow the pain was unbearable! I don't know how so many women do all natural births, its painful! Then the nausea set in and I couldn't stop throwing up. I thought I threw up so much with Cayman because my contractions were so bad... NOPE, it was because they were pumping me full of Magnesium. (Its what they give women who go into pre term labor as a last resort.) Man was I regretting eating mexican right before this. They gave me a steroid shot, which killed and then did an ultrasound. Dr. Johnson came in and explained that the baby was breech, and because s/he was so small, if my water broke it would cause it to come out butt first and would pinch the umbilical cord, cutting of its oxygen supply. I literally gasped. I didn't want to move, or cry, even cough. I was so scared it would cause my water to break and I might lose our sweet little baby. The doctor then said id have to be taken in for an emergency C-section. My sister explained my reaction like this- I started hyperventilating, and my lips and mouth went blue because I couldn't breath. I had never been more terrified in my life. My sister called Skyler and handed me the phone, I told him they were taking the baby and we both just cried and cried. I don't think there were any words to be said, we were both terrified and in complete shock. I wanted him to be there so bad, I needed my husband and felt so alone without him there. 

C-Section Delivery
After that everything went kinda fuzzy, they wheeled me in to surgery and prepped me for the C-section. When they gave me the spinal they had me lay on my side instead of sitting up just incase sitting up would make my water break. Because of this, I had to be extremely still and try my hardest not to shake or cry. I was dilated to a 10 now, and was ready to push. If any of you have had a baby before, you know how hard it is not to move when your whole body is telling you to GET THIS BABY OUT!! The spinal took about 45 minutes because the lady kept hitting the wrong nerves. They kept telling me to stick my back out more, to stay still, but I was in so much pain. At this point I was screaming. Finally, they finished the spinal and I was completely numb. I was still very nauseaus and my body kept trying to throw up, but its IMPOSSIBLE to do so when you're completely numb up to your neck. I won't go into detail about that. :/ I had no family there the entire surgery and I missed my husband. I knew that if he were there he'd be holding my hand and telling me that everything would be ok. Instead I felt completely alone.

All of a sudden I heard a lot of monitors going off, I could hear the shuffle of of NICU nurses coming in the room, but what I did not hear was the little cry of a newborn baby. I kept trying to hear something, something to tell me if he or she was ok. Finally my mom walked in and sat next to me. She had this look of complete horror on her face. Right then the doctor came over and said that the baby was in critical condition and was really bruised up, but it was ok. Apparently he was sitting sideways in my birth canal and because he was so small, his little body just couldn't handle the pressure from the contractions. We were relieved he was still alive, but terrified for what the future might bring.

Boy or Girl??
After all of this I completely forgot to even ask if it was a boy or girl. By this time I knew in my heart it was a little boy, but all the nurses and even the doctor kept calling him a SHE! I had one of the nurses go in to the NICU to verify the gender, and sure enough he was all boy! I knew it, I knew Cayman was getting a little brother. :)

Coming to Terms...
It took about an hour for them to sew me back up. The doctor explained that because he was breech and the way he way laying in my uterus, they had to cut me open from hip to hip through the muscle, and then vertically to get to the baby out. Because of this, I had a horrible recovery. The normal 6-8 week recovery ended up being about 12 weeks for me. He said if we ever get pregnant again, ill have to do another C-section, no chance of a v-back for me. That ok I guess, because after having two micro -preemies, we are probably done having babies. They wheeled me in to postpartum and we waited. A few hours passed and they finally came in to update us on Beckham (who at the time still didn't have a name). He said that he was on a ventilator at the moment but were hoping to get him off of it the following day, and that he was 2 lbs 9 oz and 15" long. He was really big for his gestational age, so that gave us hope! He said we could go see him if we wanted.

Ill never forget the emotions I felt looking at our new baby boy for the first time. I can't even put into words the thoughts that ran through my head. One of my absolute worst fears was that I would have another micro preemie. (ask any of my friends) After having Cayman, I just couldn't imagine having a baby in the NICU and him at home. He needed his mommy. I knew my heart would be in two places at once and I just couldn't come to terms with it. I didn't understand why I had to go through this AGAIN! What could I have possibly done to deserve this? So, I distanced myself. I wouldn't touch him, I didn't want to accept the fact that this was really happening. I left the NICU to get some rest feeling completely numb. I just wanted to go to sleep, and wake up from this horrible nightmare. He was completely bruised from being breech, and looked very ill. That is not the way you want to see your newborn baby for the first time, bruised from head to toe, with cords and tubes running everywhere. He looked completely miserable, and I was helpless to do anything for him. I just wanted to take his place so he didn't have to feel any pain. I realized then that although I knew what it was like to have a baby in the NICU, this experience might be completely different than Caymans, and it was. Beckham was not doing nearly as well, and my heart ached thinking about the pain he was in. 

My husband
Skyler caught a flight to Salt Lake as soon as I told him they were taking the baby, and he showed up shortly after they let me see Beckham for the first time. I was still in A LOT of pain from the C-section so having him there was the greatest feeling. Id wake up in the middle of the night needing to use the restroom and he'd literally pick me up and carry me. He laid in my tiny bed with me every night and took me on walks every day in my wheel chair. He wasn't acting any different than he usually does, but it meant so much more now. I think I take for granted what a great husband I have. Having him by my side during such a scary time was a great comfort. When he met Beckham for the first time, he didn't see all the tubes and wires, he saw his amazing little boy who must be pretty tough to go through all he was going through. All Skyler saw in our little boy-was love. I know that no matter what we find out about Beckham in the future, it will never make us feel any differently about him. That is one thing I absolutely love about my husband. 

His Name
Beckham didn't have a name for a while in the NICU. We didn't even know if we were having a boy or girl until the day I had him, and even then we weren't set on any names.  I was IN LOVE with the name Beckham, but my sister Becky had already claimed it. She was/is pregnant and swore she was having a boy, and said his name would be Beckham (I on the other hand KNEW she was having a girl).  I fell in love with the name and couldn't shake the feeling that it was "THE name" So the day he was born, I asked her if I could use the name if she was having a girl. Well, because she loves me so much, she went to fetal photos and found out the gender. Sure enough, I was RIGHT and she was having a girl. She came back to the hospital and showed us the ultrasound video, and said I could have the name! YAY, he finally had a name. Beckham Luke Dyer.

Intense Love
Everyone talks about the intense love you feel once you meet your baby for the first time. I felt it with Cayman and will never forget emotions I felt watching him helplessly in the NICU. To be honest I was terrified to feel that with Beckham. I knew the pain I would feel once I fell in love with him, I would realize that I had ANOTHER little boy in the NICU and not only that, but I had Cayman at home who also needed his mommy. 

The following day Dr. Johnson came in and updated us on Beckham, here is what I wrote about it the day of.

"It's been a rough start for baby Beckham. Today we found out he has a pulmonary hemorrhage and will not be able to be taken off the vent for quite some time. The IV on his head infiltrated which caused a big blood bruise that swelled the left side of his head. They tried to do a PICC line but were unsuccessful because his body is bruised all over from being breech while I was in labor. The multiple pokes caused even more bruising. He's on a new respirator that almost makes him look like his chest is vibrating. They said it will help with the hemorrhage. Still no word on his head ultrasound, but we are praying for good news. It's been a completely different experience than we had with Cayman, he never had so many complications and so early on. Beckham received his first blessing from daddy last night, thanks to Jason Hamblin for coming to help on such short notice. We are truly grateful for all the love and support we have received during this scary time. I can't wait until all my boys are happy and healthy, and under one roof. I love them more than I could have ever imagined. Please continue to pray for our little one, he is a fighter just like his big brother"

After Dr. Johnson gave us the bad news, I came in to see Beckham. Now that he had a name, everything felt so much more real. I was ready to stop distancing myself from him. I knew it would hurt to accept the fact that I had another little boy in the NICU, but he needed me. 

"I never thought it was possible to love someone the way I love my little Cayman; but holding Beckham's hand last night, my heart grew two sizes. I have two of the most amazing little boys in the world, and my heart is so full I feel like it might burst. It terrifies me knowing that for the next few months it will always be in two places at once. I am living my worst nightmare, but my boys are keeping me strong. I am so grateful for them, for all of the many prayers we have recieved from friends and family, my amazing husband, and for our Saviors love. In spite of everything I have a lot to be thankful for!"

This picture is so heartbreaking, yet so precious to me. This is the face of my little boy who was going through something harder than even I could endure. This is the face of one of our Heavenly Fathers most precious gifts. He had been though so much in the last 24 hours and because I was so afraid to fall in love with him and face reality, he had been all alone. I realized then that my life was changed forever. I finally felt that intense love everyone talks about, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Heart broken doesn't even begin to explain it. I sat by his incubator and cried harder, and prayed harder than I ever had before. I told him to be strong, that his mommy loved him and needed him to keep fighting. I told him over and over how sorry I was for not being there for him, and that I was never going to do that again. He stopped crying, and we looked at each other for a long time. Its like he knew I was his mom, and I felt the spirit just being close to him. My life-was changed forever.

The next few weeks were intense to say the least. Having a baby in the nicu is full of ups and downs, but despite it all I learned a lot. I will update about his time there in my next post. :)

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Still Alive!!

To say life has been crazy lately would be an understatement. I have so many things I want/need to post about but I just can't seem to find the time. I get about 4 hrs of sleep at night, so when I do have the time to blog, I just want to rest! I just wanted to let you all know I am still alive and I promise I will have some update posts coming real soon (hopefully within the week). Sadly, I don't really use Facebook anymore and I can't exactly update about my crazy life on instagram (I swear its the new Facebook.) :) 2012 was definitely an eventful year, and although it brought a lot of tears and heartache, it also brought my husband and I closer together, it brought our beautiful baby boy Beckham into this world, and we had a lot of humbling yet amazing experiences. My heart is so full I feel like it might burst!

2012 in summary- Cayman's first Birthday, Skyler and I went to Cancun, found out we were pregnant with #2, spent the summer in beautiful South Carolina, had our sweet baby Beckham 13 weeks early, spent 3 months in the NICU, moved into our new home in Lehi, took Beckham home, and ended the year right by spending Christmas in our new home with BOTH our boys. :)