Monday, July 26, 2010

So, about that light at the end of the tunnel...

At the end of my last post I wrote, "at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel." haha Well, about that... NOW I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Little did I know, soon after I wrote that I would have an even bigger trial. I came to Utah on the 21st to be with my friends and family, and left Skyler in VA so he could focus on work and run his office. On Friday the 23rd I woke up at about 7:30am to take my sister Alyssa to West Valley. I noticed as I was getting ready that I was feeling very light headed, nauseous, and my pain was a lot worse than usual. I figured it was normal because my doctor warned me id be in a lot of pain for a few days after taking methotrexate. After I dropped her off I hurried to my doctors appointment back in Layton. They did some blood work and ran some tests and then sent me on my way. It wasn't until I got home that the symptoms got even worse. I hadn't eaten all day so my sister made me a bagel, I threw it up. Later I had a BITE of her french toast, threw that up as well. I tried drinking water and would just throw that up too. Eventually I was throwing up every 20 minutes with absolutely nothing in my stomach! When the nausea increased, so did my pain. If someone barely touched my stomach I screamed in pain. My mom was on her way home from a conference when this was all happening so when she came home she took me right to the Instacare. Of course, after I described my symptoms to the nurse she told us to head to the ER immediately. On the way to the ER I had already thrown up twice and I was so weak I could barely walk, but they took me right away when my mom explained what was happening. The doctor checked my stomach to see if there was any tenderness and everywhere he touched made my eyes well up with tears. They set me up on and IV and gave me an anti nausea medicine along with a lot of morphine, and then took me in to an ultrasound.

The ultrasound was probably the hardest part of the whole day. Ever since we found out we were pregnant an ultrasound has NEVER hurt me! My stomach was so tender I could barely stand it and the trans vaginal ultrasound was a million times worse. It hurt so bad I couldn't help but scream and tell the nurse to stop! I held on to the railing of my bed for dear life and could not stop crying, it was by far the worst pain I have ever felt and I was on MORPHINE for crying out loud!! I knew then that something was definitely wrong. When they wheeled me back in to my room I starting sobbing and told my mom that I didn't know what to do and I didn't understand why I had to go through this. I knew that it was something serious and I hoped that whatever it was didn't mean id never be able to have children.

The doctor came back in to the room and told us that my body had rejected the Methotrexate because the baby most likely had a heartbeat, and that my right Fallopian tube had burst. I would have to have emergency surgery because of the internal bleeding and I wasn't aloud to eat or drink anything until after surgery. I was numb. I didn't know what to think or say and all I could think about was...MY BABY had a HEARTBEAT. I was so upset, and I know it sounds ridiculous that from everything I just heard all I could think about was that, but it broke my heart. I was so angry that I never had the chance to hear it, but I knew that maybe if I had it would have been that much harder for me. Finally, my OBGYN doctor came in and answered some of our questions. She said I should have no fertility issues in the future if they had to remove that tube, and that the surgery was less invasive so we shouldn't have any problems. After talking to her we both felt a lot better.

Before surgery I called Skyler and let him know what was going on. He was crying (he's gunna kill me for writing that) and told me it would be like I just took a long nap and id wake up and ask, "your already done?!" haha I didn't think he meant that literally. My doctor introduced me to the anesthesiologist. I told him, "Ive seen the movie Awake, so uhhh make sure I'm completely out before you start the surgery mkay!?" lol he laughed and said, "don't you worry, you will be completely out before you know it!" Pretty much after that I don't remember anything and when I woke up I asked the nurse, "your already done!?" Skyler was right. :) My anesthesiologist told me that I was in and out for a while after surgery and that I told him of my amazing dream about Hogwarts and how I got to hang out with Harry, Hermoine, and Ron. We found 4 horcruxes and I had a really cool cape! Yep, I believe I was a little bit drugged up!

While I was coming out of surgery my doctor came and sat by my mom in the waiting room and showed her a picture of my right tube. My mom explained it to me as a big black glob of blood and the tube looked completely destroyed! The doctor said that she could not save the tube and that she had to remove it; and then showed her what it looked like without it, no more blood and looking a lot better. She said My other tube looks very healthy and there is no scarring and everything looks perfect, she also said I have a very healthy uterus as well. So, it looks like I should have a good shot at having a healthy pregnancy in the future.

My sister Alyssa felt that she wouldn't have completed her sisterly duties if she didn't take a picture of me after surgery.

We stayed the night in the hospital so they could keep an eye on me. My poor mom had gotten no sleep the night before because she was on a plane; and my blood pressure was really low, so an alarm would go off every 15 minutes. Lets just say either of us got very much sleep that night. The next morning I was still in a lot of pain but it was nice to be in a hospital and know that if anything happened I was in good hands. Also, can I just say that the the food was REALLY good? They said to stick to liquids at first so... milkshake for breakfast? YES PLEASE! The nurses said that it was a miracle how quickly I was able to get up and walk around and that I must be a fast healer. I was able to go home that night and be with my family, and even though I missed Skyler I couldn't wait to be with my nephews again! When I got home my friend Pam was there and my friend Danielle came to visit with flowers! I love them, and it was nice to have company!
I just want to say thank you to everyone for your love and support. Thank you for the flowers and for those that brought us dinner. We appreciate you guys more than you will ever know and I'm so thankful to have such great friends in my life! I'm feeling a little better every day. I can get up on my own, and the nausea isn't as bad, my stomach is finally shrinking from all the gas and air build up from surgery, and Skyler is coming to see me TONIGHT! Now, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Well, as you can see the month of July has been a very busy month for us so far. My last few posts were pretty depressing so I thought id brighten up the mood a little bit and let you all know what we've been up to lately. Since my doctor finally took me off bed rest Ive been able to get out and have fun with my cute hubby. We went to a Nationals professional baseball game, visited my brother and his family in Virginia Beach, went to DC on the 4th of July, had pool parties, etc. I love the month of July; its always my favorite and although its been a tough month for us, we've still managed to have a lot of fun!

Skyler and I at the Nationals game! lol, we lost but it was a cool experience. It was such a beautiful day and I was having no pain at all that day so we were both VERY happy!

Here's Skyler's office (well most of them) at the pool party! They did so well that week that Skyler gave them the day off so we had a pool day with everyone.

Me, Jamie, and Sara. "The Wives" hanging out by the pool watching our hubbies make a fool of themselves. lol

We were lucky enough to spend the fourth in our Nations Capital! We took the Metro to DC and spent the entire day there. There were concerts, parades, fireworks, you name it! There is nothing more patriotic than being in DC on the 4th of July, not to mention the fireworks there were phenomenal!

Waiting for the fireworks to start. :)

Whats cooler than watching fireworks over the Washington Monument?!

We were also able to visit my brother and his family in the Virginia Beach area. I hadn't been able to see my nephew James in years so it was so nice being able to play with him again! I'm sure he was confused when his so called "aunt" is hugging him and kissing him to death. haha but he was so sweet and hugged me right back like he remembered me all along! I just love this little boy so much and I wish they lived closer so I could see him every day! HE IS SUCH A CUTIE!!!

James loved Skyler. :)

I seriously have the cutest nephews ever...

I guess that pretty much sums it up! I go to Utah tomorrow to visit my friends and family. I am SO excited! I'm sure ill probably still be emotional, especially seeing my youngest nephew Emmett. I swear every time I see babies now I always cry. haha but I cannot wait to hold and kiss my nephews, it has been way too long and man have I missed them! My doctor prescribed me vicodin, so now that I'm drugged up I feel MUCH better!lol It's so nice feeling human again and not be in pain constantly. I went in this morning for more blood work and all the nurses were very sweet and of course they all know be my name since I'm always there. They said I look much better and healthier now, so that makes me feel better. It's good to know I don't look sickly anymore! haha Now i'm just hoping and praying my levels have gone down so I can officially be done with the drugs and on the road to recovery! YAY! Its been hard but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Too Beautiful for this Earth

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

I've had so many different emotions lately that I don't even know where to start. First of all id just like to say that I'm so thankful for my Heavenly Father who has helped me to get through this. Our precious baby is now in heaven and I take great comfort knowing that he or she is in good hands. Its been a very hard month for Skyler and I. Every day we'd wake up wondering what would happen next, and it seemed like our questions would never be answered. Finally, we got our answer. It definitely wasn't what I wanted it to be; but at least now I know, I can deal with that.

After weeks of going in every 3 days for blood work; my doctor finally called me and said that if my HCG hormone is still slowly rising, he wanted me to come in and get an injection called Methrotrexate. Methrotrexate is used for women who either have miscarried or for those who have an abnormal pregnancy. It basically flushes out whatever is left of the pregnancy, or in my case stops the fetus from growing. I read about it online and its such a serious drug that they even use it on cancer patients. Of course, I started freaking out. I read that once you take it you should not try to get pregnant for at least 5 months, and that there may be serious side effects. I prayed and prayed that if I was going to miscarry that my body would do it naturally. I just didn't feel right about taking the drug, especially if our little fighter still had a chance in making it full term. I kept calling my doctors office trying to get a hold of him but he wasn't in and wasn't on call. I was getting so frustrated but luckily the nurse calmed me down. She said that she had to take the drug before and assured me that everything would be okay and that it didn't abort the baby by any means. They would not give it to me if they didn't honestly believe that me keeping it could threaten my life. My doctor called me later that day and told me that my levels had not gone up appropriately so he wanted me to come in the next day to get the injection. I was SO ANGRY! Why weren't my prayers being answered?! I couldn't believe this was happening and it seemed as though the world was spinning and I just couldn't find my way anymore. I couldn't think, eat, sleep. All I wanted to do was cry until it all went away.

Last night when Skyler and I said our prayers, I had this overwhelming feeling that everything would be okay; and for the first time in a long time, I had a good nights sleep. I woke up this morning and felt like a new person. I knew that today I was going to officially lose our baby, but I knew I could get through it. When we came in to see my doctor, he made me feel better about everything. I asked him to do an ultrasound just to make sure I was doing the right thing. He showed me my uterus and explained that he could not see anything there, then he paned to the right and showed me my right ovary. I couldn't believe it. My worst fear was right in front of me on a big screen. Our baby was definitely not where it should be, it was so obvious. It was an ectopic pregnancy. Skyler was holding my hand the whole time and held it so much tighter at that moment. There was our little baby in the works, and we would never get meet it..we would never get to hold it, at least not on Earth. I then knew that what I was doing was right, even if it hurt to say it out loud. My doctor told me that there is nothing wrong with me and that there should have been no reason to have an ectopic pregnancy, but sometimes it just happens. We don't know why, it just does. It was good to hear that, and I hope that one day we can try again and have a healthy pregnancy. He gave me the injection and explained that I will most likely be in a lot of pain for a few days but it would slow down.

I know that ill probably still have my bad days, and ill wish things were different. I'm just so thankful that we were able to find out what it was that was causing me so much pain, and that we were able to stop it before it turned into something serious. I guess Heavenly Father WAS answering my prayers. I prayed and prayed that I would be able to keep our baby; but I think he knew that if I did, I might not ever get that chance again. Its easy to be angry, but I can now say that he does know best. For those of you who are wondering how I'm going. I WILL be okay and I WILL get through this. For now, I'm just going to take my time and grieve in my own way. Skyler and I will eventually try again, probably not for a while. Right now we want to focus on becoming closer, and not worry about getting pregnant. This whole experience has helped us to depend on each other more and we've both learned a lot from it. The doctor said we can try again in three months. We will have barely been married for a year by then so its not like we're in any kind of hurry. Thank you for your prayers and for everyone that has called, emailed, text, and sent me beautiful inspiring messages. Its good to know that I'm not alone and that people all over the US are praying for us every night. I like to think that our baby was just too perfect for this World. I just hope our precious angel knows how much we loved it and how badly I wanted to keep it... I would have done anything. I never got to hears its tiny heartbeat, or feel its little kick. I just had the hope that one day I would. I long to feel that joy again; the joy of knowing theirs a tiny life inside me, and I hope that one day I will.

I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.

For those of you who are going through a hard time, I hope this somehow helps you. A friend of mine sent me that poem, she had lost a baby before and has helped me to cope with the pain. Remember to pray and trust in your Heavenly Father that things will work out. He has a plan for all of us and he wants us to be happy. He is with you always and is catching your tears.

Goodbye our precious angel. We love you, and we will miss you.

Monday, July 12, 2010

This Roller Coaster we call LIFE!

Well, if anything I can definitely say that my life has been a roller coaster lately. Some days are great, others are scary, some are sad, and some are everything at once! The good news is that my doctor has taken me off of bed rest. He said that if I'm going to lose the baby there is really nothing we can do. He wants me to live my life and just be careful and not do an vigorous activities. Ive been to the ER again since my last post. I started feeling extremely sharp shooting pains again. This time it was different, I knew something was wrong. My back was aching, the pain was a million times worse than before (which I didn't think was possible), and I was bleeding A LOT more than usual. Of course Skyler took me to the ER where we waited 2 hrs before a doctor was even able to see us. I thought for sure we had lost our precious baby and I felt completely numb...I didn't even know what to think and I was in shock. How could I have been so sure things would work out just for it to end like this? When the doctor finally came in to see me I told her what was going on. She seemed pretty convinced I had miscarried as well so she decided to do a pelvic exam. I thought to myself, "this is it, this is where the sadness begins." To my surprise though,and against all odds, our baby was still holding on. She said my cervix was closed and my HCG levels are going up slowly so that still leaves the possibility that it could be an ectopic pregnancy. If any of you have ever read about ectopic pregnancies, no matter where you read it...they are very dangerous. I really hope that this is not the case and that I do have a viable pregnancy. I want to keep our baby so bad and the thought of losing it makes my heart ache. I go in again today for blood work to see if my hormone levels are going up appropriately again. I just ask for your prayers right now that we will get good news, and that our baby will continue to grow. I know that no matter what happens though, Heavenly Father will be there for me and he has a plan for me. I may not understand it now, but I will some day. I have an amazing husband, wonderful friends, and a great family who are helping me through this trial and I am so thankful for ALL of you. A special thank you to Skyler, Becky, Whitney, and my Mom for believing and having faith that this will all work out. That's what keeps me going and helps me to have faith. I love you so much!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Our Baby~

This post is not only for everyone who has been wondering whats been going on with me lately, but its also for me. Somehow writing it all out helps me to appreciate this trial I've been going through. Skyler and I recently found out we were pregnant. We wanted to tell everyone in a cute way but because of the way things turned out...people I hardly knew were finding out before my own family even did. I hope this makes up for that. Our pregnancy wasn't exactly planned, but we are both very excited! All I have ever wanted to be was a mom. People thought I was weird, or even said I was being stupid. I guess I just take after my mom in that way, and I knew that I was meant to be a mom. Ever since I can remember, I couldn't wait to have my own family.

(As if one test wasn't enough confirmation... I think I took 8 more tests after this!)
When I told Skyler, I looked at him so differently. I loved him and appreciated him even more at that moment. All I said was, "I have something to tell you, but I'm scared of what you'll think." lol and of course he comes back with, "Your pregnant!" I just shook my head yes and started crying, and he gave me a huge hug and said, "I love you so much!" That joy lasted only a day. The fallowing day I noticed I was having a little cramping and bleeding. I shrugged it off because everywhere I read, it said that was normal during your 4th week of pregnancy. On June 28th, everything changed. I woke up with really hard cramping and bleeding. It felt like something inside me was about to burst and all I could think to do was curl up in a ball until it stopped hurting. Skyler was at work and I was obviously hysterical so he rushed home and took me to the ER. Gotta love having two IV's in you while they stick you with needles for blood work, and give you four different shots! They did two ultra sounds. One was vaginal which scared the nurse because it made me bleed a lot (sorry for the graphic image). They also checked my cervix to make sure it wasn't dilated. The doctor said I was still really early in the pregnancy (only 6 weeks at the time) so they couldn't see much, but everything looked ok. I have an RH negative blood type and they think the baby has a positive blood type, so my body was having a reaction to it. They gave me a bunch of shots and diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and put me on bed rest until the bleeding went down. If anyone has ever experienced complications during pregnancy a week is a LONG time to wait for results. Every day id wake up worried, and some days I almost wished it would just happen so I wouldn't wake up hurting and with a false hope that would never come true. Lets just say I was very depressed and even the sound of a crying baby made me start crying uncontrollably. Skyler gave me a healing blessing and during the blessing he kept saying "he" and "him." I think we both felt from the beginning that we would have a boy. Our little baby Dyer, I wanted to keep him so bad but either way I just wanted a healthy baby!!! Since then, I have continued to bleed and have sharp pains in my lower right abdomen. My doctor has been monitoring my HCG levels. At first it was very low, only 113. A couple days later we went in again at it went up to 165 (still very low). I couldn't help but assume I was having an ectopic pregnancy, I was having all the signs and slow rising hormone levels is definitely a sign of that. At this point I basically gave up hope, sometimes I couldn't even get out of bed because I knew when I woke up id remember everything that was going wrong in my life. I know that there are women out there who have lost babies much further along than me, and I cant even imagine what they had to go through. I felt bad for feeling bad for myself when I knew things could be worse... I had to rely on prayer and faith that things would work out. I've never really lost anyone very close to me besides my grandpa, or even had to pray for a close family member to survive. I realized during this trial that it was not only a test of my patience, but a test of my faith as well. I prayed harder and longer than I ever had in my life. I begged heavenly father to let me keep this baby, and I promised I would be the best mom I could be and I would do everything I could to make sure he/she would return to him. Sometimes I even got angry. I thought about my friend in High School in CA and how she was pregnant and had an abortion. I wished I could go back in time and tell her how stupid she was being. I would tell her that she could give that baby a home. She could give it to someone who loved him more than life itself. Someone that would kiss him every day and tell him how much she loved him. Someone... like me. I got so angry that sometimes I didn't even pray, I relied on others to do that for me. When it seemed like all hope was lost, I heard a song that helped me in more ways than ill ever know. "His hands are catching your tears; and even without any words, he hears. You feel so far but he's right where you are and he knows; every breath, every pain, he knows your heart and he knows your name." I realized that I had lost faith and that heavenly father was just waiting for me to ask for his help. I finally prayed again and felt his love more than I have in a very long time. I immediately started crying and I knew that whatever happened; I would get through it, and that he had a plan for me. I knew I had to practice faith and somehow or other things would work out. Today, I got a phone call from my doctor who told me my HCG levels went up and were now at the appropriate level. I can finally be happy! I know that this is going to be a big trial for us, and it may be a hard pregnancy, but today... I can be HAPPY! I just want to thank my wonderful husband for being there for me through this whole process. Its been a roller coaster and I'm sure its not over yet, but I'm so grateful for him. He would come home from work exhausted to a crying wife, and he would stop everything he was doing to pick me up and cradle me until I fell asleep. When we go anywhere he still runs ahead of me to hit the button on the elevator, and hurries down stairs to the car so that he can pull up before I even have to walk far. He rubs my belly when it hurts, picks me up when I fall to my knees, and wipes away my tears. I don't know what I would have done without him. Thank you for all of your prayers and for those that put our names in the temple. Thank you for giving me your hearts when mine was broken. Please continue to pray for our baby, this trial is not over yet. I'm still bleeding but at least I know its still holding on.