This post is not only for everyone who has been wondering whats been going on with me lately, but its also for me. Somehow writing it all out helps me to appreciate this trial I've been going through. Skyler and I recently found out we were pregnant. We wanted to tell everyone in a cute way but because of the way things turned out...people I hardly knew were finding out before my own family even did. I hope this makes up for that. Our pregnancy wasn't exactly planned, but we are both very excited! All I have ever wanted to be was a mom. People thought I was weird, or even said I was being stupid. I guess I just take after my mom in that way, and I knew that I was meant to be a mom. Ever since I can remember, I couldn't wait to have my own family.
(As if one test wasn't enough confirmation... I think I took 8 more tests after this!)
When I told Skyler, I looked at him so differently. I loved him and appreciated him even more at that moment. All I said was, "I have something to tell you, but I'm scared of what you'll think." lol and of course he comes back with, "Your pregnant!" I just shook my head yes and started crying, and he gave me a huge hug and said, "I love you so much!" That joy lasted only a day. The fallowing day I noticed I was having a little cramping and bleeding. I shrugged it off because everywhere I read, it said that was normal during your 4th week of pregnancy. On June 28th, everything changed. I woke up with really hard cramping and bleeding. It felt like something inside me was about to burst and all I could think to do was curl up in a ball until it stopped hurting. Skyler was at work and I was obviously hysterical so he rushed home and took me to the ER. Gotta love having two IV's in you while they stick you with needles for blood work, and give you four different shots! They did two ultra sounds. One was vaginal which scared the nurse because it made me bleed a lot (sorry for the graphic image). They also checked my cervix to make sure it wasn't dilated. The doctor said I was still really early in the pregnancy (only 6 weeks at the time) so they couldn't see much, but everything looked ok. I have an RH negative blood type and they think the baby has a positive blood type, so my body was having a reaction to it. They gave me a bunch of shots and diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and put me on bed rest until the bleeding went down. If anyone has ever experienced complications during pregnancy a week is a LONG time to wait for results. Every day id wake up worried, and some days I almost wished it would just happen so I wouldn't wake up hurting and with a false hope that would never come true. Lets just say I was very depressed and even the sound of a crying baby made me start crying uncontrollably. Skyler gave me a healing blessing and during the blessing he kept saying "he" and "him." I think we both felt from the beginning that we would have a boy. Our little baby Dyer, I wanted to keep him so bad but either way I just wanted a healthy baby!!! Since then, I have continued to bleed and have sharp pains in my lower right abdomen. My doctor has been monitoring my HCG levels. At first it was very low, only 113. A couple days later we went in again at it went up to 165 (still very low). I couldn't help but assume I was having an ectopic pregnancy, I was having all the signs and slow rising hormone levels is definitely a sign of that. At this point I basically gave up hope, sometimes I couldn't even get out of bed because I knew when I woke up id remember everything that was going wrong in my life. I know that there are women out there who have lost babies much further along than me, and I cant even imagine what they had to go through. I felt bad for feeling bad for myself when I knew things could be worse... I had to rely on prayer and faith that things would work out. I've never really lost anyone very close to me besides my grandpa, or even had to pray for a close family member to survive. I realized during this trial that it was not only a test of my patience, but a test of my faith as well. I prayed harder and longer than I ever had in my life. I begged heavenly father to let me keep this baby, and I promised I would be the best mom I could be and I would do everything I could to make sure he/she would return to him. Sometimes I even got angry. I thought about my friend in High School in CA and how she was pregnant and had an abortion. I wished I could go back in time and tell her how stupid she was being. I would tell her that she could give that baby a home. She could give it to someone who loved him more than life itself. Someone that would kiss him every day and tell him how much she loved him. Someone... like me. I got so angry that sometimes I didn't even pray, I relied on others to do that for me. When it seemed like all hope was lost, I heard a song that helped me in more ways than ill ever know. "His hands are catching your tears; and even without any words, he hears. You feel so far but he's right where you are and he knows; every breath, every pain, he knows your heart and he knows your name." I realized that I had lost faith and that heavenly father was just waiting for me to ask for his help. I finally prayed again and felt his love more than I have in a very long time. I immediately started crying and I knew that whatever happened; I would get through it, and that he had a plan for me. I knew I had to practice faith and somehow or other things would work out. Today, I got a phone call from my doctor who told me my HCG levels went up and were now at the appropriate level. I can finally be happy! I know that this is going to be a big trial for us, and it may be a hard pregnancy, but today... I can be HAPPY! I just want to thank my wonderful husband for being there for me through this whole process. Its been a roller coaster and I'm sure its not over yet, but I'm so grateful for him. He would come home from work exhausted to a crying wife, and he would stop everything he was doing to pick me up and cradle me until I fell asleep. When we go anywhere he still runs ahead of me to hit the button on the elevator, and hurries down stairs to the car so that he can pull up before I even have to walk far. He rubs my belly when it hurts, picks me up when I fall to my knees, and wipes away my tears. I don't know what I would have done without him. Thank you for all of your prayers and for those that put our names in the temple. Thank you for giving me your hearts when mine was broken. Please continue to pray for our baby, this trial is not over yet. I'm still bleeding but at least I know its still holding on.