Friday, July 16, 2010
Too Beautiful for this Earth
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
I've had so many different emotions lately that I don't even know where to start. First of all id just like to say that I'm so thankful for my Heavenly Father who has helped me to get through this. Our precious baby is now in heaven and I take great comfort knowing that he or she is in good hands. Its been a very hard month for Skyler and I. Every day we'd wake up wondering what would happen next, and it seemed like our questions would never be answered. Finally, we got our answer. It definitely wasn't what I wanted it to be; but at least now I know, I can deal with that.
After weeks of going in every 3 days for blood work; my doctor finally called me and said that if my HCG hormone is still slowly rising, he wanted me to come in and get an injection called Methrotrexate. Methrotrexate is used for women who either have miscarried or for those who have an abnormal pregnancy. It basically flushes out whatever is left of the pregnancy, or in my case stops the fetus from growing. I read about it online and its such a serious drug that they even use it on cancer patients. Of course, I started freaking out. I read that once you take it you should not try to get pregnant for at least 5 months, and that there may be serious side effects. I prayed and prayed that if I was going to miscarry that my body would do it naturally. I just didn't feel right about taking the drug, especially if our little fighter still had a chance in making it full term. I kept calling my doctors office trying to get a hold of him but he wasn't in and wasn't on call. I was getting so frustrated but luckily the nurse calmed me down. She said that she had to take the drug before and assured me that everything would be okay and that it didn't abort the baby by any means. They would not give it to me if they didn't honestly believe that me keeping it could threaten my life. My doctor called me later that day and told me that my levels had not gone up appropriately so he wanted me to come in the next day to get the injection. I was SO ANGRY! Why weren't my prayers being answered?! I couldn't believe this was happening and it seemed as though the world was spinning and I just couldn't find my way anymore. I couldn't think, eat, sleep. All I wanted to do was cry until it all went away.
Last night when Skyler and I said our prayers, I had this overwhelming feeling that everything would be okay; and for the first time in a long time, I had a good nights sleep. I woke up this morning and felt like a new person. I knew that today I was going to officially lose our baby, but I knew I could get through it. When we came in to see my doctor, he made me feel better about everything. I asked him to do an ultrasound just to make sure I was doing the right thing. He showed me my uterus and explained that he could not see anything there, then he paned to the right and showed me my right ovary. I couldn't believe it. My worst fear was right in front of me on a big screen. Our baby was definitely not where it should be, it was so obvious. It was an ectopic pregnancy. Skyler was holding my hand the whole time and held it so much tighter at that moment. There was our little baby in the works, and we would never get meet it..we would never get to hold it, at least not on Earth. I then knew that what I was doing was right, even if it hurt to say it out loud. My doctor told me that there is nothing wrong with me and that there should have been no reason to have an ectopic pregnancy, but sometimes it just happens. We don't know why, it just does. It was good to hear that, and I hope that one day we can try again and have a healthy pregnancy. He gave me the injection and explained that I will most likely be in a lot of pain for a few days but it would slow down.
I know that ill probably still have my bad days, and ill wish things were different. I'm just so thankful that we were able to find out what it was that was causing me so much pain, and that we were able to stop it before it turned into something serious. I guess Heavenly Father WAS answering my prayers. I prayed and prayed that I would be able to keep our baby; but I think he knew that if I did, I might not ever get that chance again. Its easy to be angry, but I can now say that he does know best. For those of you who are wondering how I'm going. I WILL be okay and I WILL get through this. For now, I'm just going to take my time and grieve in my own way. Skyler and I will eventually try again, probably not for a while. Right now we want to focus on becoming closer, and not worry about getting pregnant. This whole experience has helped us to depend on each other more and we've both learned a lot from it. The doctor said we can try again in three months. We will have barely been married for a year by then so its not like we're in any kind of hurry. Thank you for your prayers and for everyone that has called, emailed, text, and sent me beautiful inspiring messages. Its good to know that I'm not alone and that people all over the US are praying for us every night. I like to think that our baby was just too perfect for this World. I just hope our precious angel knows how much we loved it and how badly I wanted to keep it... I would have done anything. I never got to hears its tiny heartbeat, or feel its little kick. I just had the hope that one day I would. I long to feel that joy again; the joy of knowing theirs a tiny life inside me, and I hope that one day I will.
I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.
I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.
She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.
Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.
So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.
For those of you who are going through a hard time, I hope this somehow helps you. A friend of mine sent me that poem, she had lost a baby before and has helped me to cope with the pain. Remember to pray and trust in your Heavenly Father that things will work out. He has a plan for all of us and he wants us to be happy. He is with you always and is catching your tears.
Goodbye our precious angel. We love you, and we will miss you.